I Use My Words (Except When I Can’t)
Posted: June 20th, 2016 | Author: Scott | Filed under: Autism, Personal | Tags: autism, autistic | 2 Comments »I can’t remember ever not being able to read. After 1st grade our neighbor, a retired teacher with a master’s degree in reading education, noticed me reading to groups of older neighborhood kids and tested my reading level. I was apparently reading on a 12th grade level. I performed a scene from King Lear (all parts) at a talent show when I was in the 4th grade. I took acting classes at the Alley Theatre in Houston from 6th-8th grade and acted in a number of things over that period as well as competing in speaking and drama competitions.
I have words, more words than most people, and I use my words.
Except, frustratingly, sometimes I lose my words.
It’s something I’ve never really spoken about before, probably because it has always intensely bothered me. My words have always been a core part of my identity. I am expressive and articulate. I never understood how or why I would sometimes find myself effectively mute.
It’s difficult to describe to someone who has never experienced it, but there are times, typically when I am stressed or overloaded, when I will suddenly have no words to speak. Someone will ask me a question, I will start to respond, and … nothing. The harder I try to find words, the more they escape me. I can almost taste the words in my mouth. I know I should be able to respond. I ought to have something to say. But my mind is unable to make that connection. If I’m able to force something out, I can hear my own halting speech, and I don’t recognize it. It’s the voice of a stranger. Â I know the words are wrong.
It’s an unpleasant experience made much worse when you have no idea why it keeps happening to you.
After I was diagnosed, I found blogs and videos from other autistic people. When a number of them described a similar experience, I felt relief. No, it doesn’t mean I won’t lose my words anymore. But now, at least, I’ll understand why. It won’t be something I have to struggle to hide. It won’t torment me to the extent it has in the past.
And I’ll know I’m not alone.
That matters more than I can express.
I use my words, at least when I have them.
And that’s okay.
Yes! I haven’t posted much about this phenomenon yet, but I experience this as well. I was reading books before I was 3 years old (apparently reading many words before 2 years old) and I’ve always been very good with written communication. But spoken comes and goes.
You’re definitely not alone!
Thanks! This was definitely one of the things that mystified and frustrated me for so long. It was really, really hard having no idea why it would happen sometimes.